Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.

50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.


QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.


QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do
they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know
that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?

If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.


QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.



In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective. ..

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...
Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?


The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.


An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace.

Why was 6 afriad of 7??? (Story)

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Most people think it had something to do with 7s consumption of 9. This is not true. I will tell you the actual story which i stolen from a saga..:)

What happened is that 4 and 7 had been going together for a long time. I mean, everybody expected them to get married and everything. They were voted "most likely couple to succeed" by everyone in their class at school.

But then, one day, no warning at all, 7 breaks up with 4. He did it over the phone. Rumor had it that 7 was hoping to "trade up" on 4 by dating 12. 12 was sexy and dangerous and mysterious… everything that 7 thought that he wanted.

4, of course, was devastated. Ashamed to tell her family...what would her friends think...all of her plans for their future together gone...All that stuff. She called 6. He was an old friend. They were close, long ago, before she had started dating 7. But - as so often happens - her attention had turned to her love and she and 6 had drifted apart.

But now, in her pain, she turned to 6. He didn’t mind at all. He had really missed her - though he would never have admitted it. They started to spend time together. Just friends, of course. 4s pain being too fresh, too new. They went to diners, saw movies, walked in parks. They stayed up till the early hours of several mornings talking on the phone about... well, what didn’t they talk about? They quickly grew inseparable.

They grew closer and closer, 4 and 6. And their feelings for each other deepened. Before they even realized what was happening, they were falling in love. Real love. 4 began to realize that what she had had with 7 was shallow, superficial, convenient. She had loved him, of course. But 4 now understood a deeper love... a truer love. She had found Soul Love.

As you might have guessed, things didn’t work too well for 7. He dressed just right, hung out with the right people, made sure he was in the right places at the right times. Its not as if 12 hadn't noticed him, either. She did. In fact, at first 7 thought things were going just swell. They had done it on their first date. They went out a few more times after that too, but something was just not right and 7 could feel it. It turned out, in the end, that what wasn't right was that 12 really just didn’t care about him. He was a quick screw, a couple free dinners, and then she was on to whomever else would take her for a quick and easy ride.

12 wasn't much into attachments.

Divested, 7 turned his attention back to 4. What a mistake he had made! He could not wait to explain it all to her - promise he was hers forever this time - and hold her once again in his arm.
But 7 had been so focused on his conquest of 12 that he had no idea what 4 had been up to. He did not know about she and 6.

You can imagine how stunned 7 was when he found out.

6? Wait... 6? He remembered that number, sure. Some old friend of 4 or something. But 7 hadn’t seen or heard of 6 in years!

7 sank into a deep despair. He wasn’t very smart, that number 7. Perhaps you had suspected that all along. But see, the thing is, when a number is not extremely bright, and he is stricken with despair, when he is... desperate, he often feels the need to react physically. 7 began to feel a violent urge. He began to think about 6.

Word soon found its way around to 6, who was understandably concerned. 7 was, for certain, much bigger than 6. 6 began to worry. He worried a lot. He made certain not to walk past 7s house. He refused to go to the mall with 4 - and he insisted they avoid their favorite diner. The parks, of course, were completely out of the question. In fact 6 became afraid to be seen with 4 at all! If 7 caught them together, it would make things so much worse.

His fear of 7 became so great that it had a devastating effect on his relationship with 4. Why can’t you face him? She would ask. Stand up for yourself - stand up for us! She would shout. She didn’t understand at all, thought 6. This wasn’t just anyone, it was 7! 6 wouldn't stand a chance and he knew it. They all new it.

4 was crushed. She had lost 7, now her relationship with 6 was falling apart. If he could not even stand up for their love, then what was it worth? Nothing. Nothing!

Time passed. 4 met 14 in the express lane of the supermarket. He backed into her, her bag toppled, groceries spread across the floor. Clumsily, they knocked heads bending over to pick up the goods. They were both very sorry - they said so many times each. They are married now - 2 kids too! Little 3 and 14 jr.

6 and 7 moved on too of course. But 7 never forgave 6. To this day, 6 actively avoids running into him. What would happen if they met? Who knows. Probably an awkward moment, a realization of the loss of years... the insignificance of it all. Not much else, too be sure. Then they would walk away and not speak of it to anyone. Did 6 ever really have anything to fear in the first place?

In any case, that’s pretty much it. That’s why 6 was afraid of 7.

And what about 9? Had 7 actually eaten him? Truth be told, 9 was out of town on business when the whole affair went down. By the time he came back, it was old news. Somehow or another the whole 789 rumor got started, but 9 didn’t mind much. It gave him an edge of notoriety. When girls at the bar realized he was 9... the 9, well, it didn't hurt him one bit.

And in the end, to 9, that was all that really mattered.